What Do I Need?

What do you need? Is both the most loving and overwhelming comment to make to someone as they are mourning. 

I get that now in ways that I did not understand before Dad passed away.

The friends reaching out the most are the ones who have gone through it. They understand. They feel helpless. It brings back memories for them of how awful, how numbing the first few days are. Helping me is their way of giving back for all those who helped them through those days. I probably helped some of them. Or at least I hope I was helpful.

On the calendar it has already been five days. In my reality it is a giant blur.

What do I need?

If you look at my practical to do list, I need to clean three bathrooms, vacuum, change sheets, clean spaces so family can sleep over,  wash more sheets, empty the trash, pull weeds so I feel the house looks nicer, vacuum, RSVP to the jury duty notice I received, pay my VISA bill, gather paperwork for my REAL ID appointment, fill out forms for new doctor, talk to the caterer, reach out to my uncle to explain how to get from the airplane to the train (or offer to pick him up), etc.

If you look at my fun to do list, I want to blog, make pesto, dig on Wednesday, make a photo album about the first half of the year, read a book, research what to do when we go to Lisbon next week, start packing for vacation, etc.

Digging deeper, I need someone to make small decisions for me so I can make bigger ones. 

Last night I was driving around trying to figure out where to get gas because my tank was on empty. Do you see the irony in that statement? Do I pull into the small station that is full with a half dozen motorcycles and no space for me to pull in that's on the left side of the road? Do I get gas in Pennsylvania where I have to pump or do I have enough gas to return to New Jersey? In the end I drove back to New Jersey, went to my usual station, and had a lovely conversation with an ebony-colored man from Ghana who has lived in the United States for 34 years, has ten grandchildren in the States, and is returning home to Ghana to live out the rest of his life. 

It was nice talking to someone who does not know about dad. That's something I could use, conversation about anything else. 

I want someone to take my phone away (ideally while walking away so it thinks I got a lot of steps in) and not let me get distracted by it for an hour, or half an hour, or ten minutes, or five, or even one. 

I want someone to put food in front of me and tell me to eat it. Not ask what I want to eat, just take care of it and wash up afterwards.

I want someone to rotate laundry because they see it needs doing. Not ask first. Just fold, and rotate. 

I want someone who can anticipate my needs before I do. Not someone who makes me choose a time to get together, or a place, or a what to do, just show up here and I'll take care of it. Or notice the weeds are growing and take care of them without asking for tools. That's probably what I could use the most.

I want someone to plan out the Lisbon leg of the trip and hand it to me in a way I can just jump in and follow the itinerary. I already have a hotel, transportation, and a show planned. I just need the what to see in three days version of it all.

The right friend would come over an pull weeds with or for me. Who is that?

The right friend would just show up with a hug and some ice cream. Or not because then I'd have to decide to open the door.

While writing might feel like procrastination, I've learned it is the way I process. It helps me to move to the next item on the to do list.