Still Missing Carin

A year and a half after Carin's death I still miss her on a daily basis. Some days it hits when I'm thinking about the college search. Other times when I need a sanity check from a trusted friend. Lately it has been over the mask shortage.

When Carin was in the hospital for a long time her creative juices were still flowing. She made costumes out of hospital masks.

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Each one was funnier than the one before.

I thought of these masks with the shortage of hospital masks in the age of the Corona virus. I'm glad this simple pleasure was not also robbed from her.

I think of her when I have people tell me I am not doing social distancing correctly. See, they have not left the house in three weeks (which is the proper way to do so, even if it means they are losing their minds), but I still leave the house. I still support local businesses. I still go for walks and runs. In their universe, that is wrong. According to the laws of the land we are allowed to leave for essentials and walks outside. I understand if you are immuno-suppressed you should't go to the grocery store, but I don't understand why a walk on a nice Spring day should be avoided. There are likely to be more germs inside than in the park. But, that is their choice. I don't have to agree with them, but I also don't dare tell them they are wrong because I don't understand what it is like to almost die and live in daily fear I could die at any point. 

I object when they take these pleasures away from me.

I object when they take away feelings of hope (in the form of I hope we can celebrate Ashley's graduation, or I look forward to this being over). They are realists. They know the end is much farther away than June and I should just accept reality.

I think they are pessimists. 

I offer to "agree to disagree," and am told I am still wrong. 

Well, that's not agreeing to disagree.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I am following the rules. I do still want a life after Coronavirus, yesterday would not be too soon. 

Any time I start to feel a little optimistic someone erases my good feeling with a snippy FaceBook post. So, yes, I should just stay away from FaceBook and live in my own happy bubble. Being happy or annoyed doesn't change the outcome.

I think of Carin. I have a feeling Carin, though immuno-suppressed, would be making masks for hospital workers and still driving her kids around (though the oldest is now driving and has her own car). I picture she would have level-headed advice about how to compromise between living in fear that the big C could strike again, and living her life. 

I met a guy today (yes, I talked to a stranger from about 15 feet away as he was doing yard work). He said he has a pretty good attitude most of the time. He is using new-found free time to do some yard work and hang with his small son. He also admits sometimes he is not so happy with what is happening. 

So if I am 85% unhappy with this, and 15% okay with it, maybe he is the converse. I'm not even sure about my 85/15 split. I am not yet at 50/50 and probably won't be until the tide turns and I see graduation and prom in our future, but maybe I'm getting closer to 60/40.

I saw an NPR story about how it is okay for the seniors to be mourning the loss of senior year. The story focused on the kids, but us parents are grieving, too.

This is something I know Carin would have sympathized with.