"You need someone to listen to you."

A friend hit the nail on the head when she said those words to me: You need someone to listen to you. I nearly broke down in tears reading her reply to my message. She succinctly said what has been floating around my heart, but without words.

More than someone, I need a friend to listen.

I have people I can reach out to who will share what is happening in their lives, and suddenly have to go and not call me back when they are free.

Those are called acquaintances.

Acquaintances are important to have in life, but they cannot fill the void that can only be filled by having a true friend.

They say you have to be a friend to have a friend. I try. I reach out to people. I listen to them. I reach out through email, messaging, texting, and phone calls. I feel I always reach out first. People appreciate it, but they don't reach out first to me.

I don't know what to do. I can't force someone to like me enough to include me in their bubble of friends.

Even when I visited with the person who said I needed someone to listen, she spent much of her time on her phone because of a problem that had to be solved. Loved ones called and she answered to tell them she would call them back later. It still interrupted the flow.

I left feeling as if I was not listened to.

I left feeling worse than I did when I had hope someone would listen to me.

Several days later, I still feel bad.

I watch 9-month old Kitten Mimi try to play with 6 1/2 year old Kitty Lucy and can relate. Mimi just wants someone to play with her. Lucy is a cat. She would be a great playmate. Mimi dashes up to her over and over again only to be hissed at by Lucy and put in "time out" by a human. Yet, she keeps trying. I wish her much success in changing Lucy's mind.

I write to people. They write back. I reply. They don't reply a second time. Yet, I keep trying (with different people) in the hopes I'll find that soul mate who also enjoys quick email conversations and getting to know someone on a deeper level than the "let's pretend everything is great"-land of Facebook. In the past when I've grumbled on Facebook I've been told others have it worse (yes, I do know that). That my time is up for complaining (I didn't know that had a time limit). 

Believe it or not, being told my feelings don't matter does not cheer me up. 

I still don't know where to turn for that "chin-wagging" conversation. The kind that touches upon a bunch of different topics, when an hour flies by and you still have more to say.

Don and Ashley are great, but after four months of forced togetherness, we have nothing new to say to each other. When we do talk it is often filled with awkward silences or biting comments. We need fresh thoughts. 

I think another issue is with Ashley going off to college, I am only meeting other parents and school personnel virtually. The new student sessions are people on a computer screen talking to us, answering questions people type in. No faces of parents or students. No side conversations. Only typed conversations in group chats.

I feel disconnected from life.

And I hate it!

I know no one will respond, even if you bother to read my feelings. If you do read this, please say a quick prayer for me. A prayer I find that person who will listen to me. That person I can be a good friend to, too.