Today I Just Can't

I woke up feeling "I just can't" today. It is nothing in particular, and everything. I want to post my feelings on Facebook, but I'm not emotionally prepared for the inevitable "buck it up" speech, or telling me my "pity party is over," that I should volunteer to feel better. That my feelings don't matter.

So I shove them down again. I shut down again.

Today Ashley is shaving her head. I tried to explain why I am against it, and I was met with why don't I let her do what she wants to do, why don't I support her. Her friends think it is great. She gets excited talking to them about it. Then when she talks to us she gets deflated. She hears my voice in her head telling her this is a bad decision. That she is wrong.

Oh, Honey, we could all benefit from some group therapy.

Do you notice Dad and I hardly talk? Do you notice I'm upset with my mom for the ways she has treated me over the years? Do you notice how hurt I am when you tell me I've hurt you because I don't think you are good enough -- especially since I don't remember ever saying anything like that? Do you know how jealous I am of your friendships because I don't have any? Do you know maybe I have more life experiences and I don't want you to be judged as the weird artsy girl as you are starting this very important (and very expensive) chapter in your life in the middle of a pandemic? Do you realize life is spiraling out of control and changing your hair that drastically is a tipping point for me, especially since I have no control over it? 

On top of that a teacher who self-identified as having been exposed to Coronavirus has in effect shut down out summer school program. We only had about 50 people participating in it. There is no hope for schools to function this year.

On top of that we finally have a President encouraging people to wear masks because of "the Chinese virus." Some say "It's about time." Others say "Even Dr. Fauci dismissed the use of masks in the beginning." How can wearing a mask be so divisive? 

Life is draining.

Don went to bed before dinner last night. When I asked him how he is feeling today he was dismissive. I know he'll never ask me how I am feeling. Nor will Ashley.

So, today I just can't. Maybe later today I can. Maybe it will take a few days. The longer I keep it buried, the longer it will take before I feel better.