In normal times having your only child graduate from high school, navigate the college search process, and prepare to fly out of the nest would be stressful.
Throw in a pandemic and I don't know how any of us are surviving.
We've had all of our fun plans and dreams for the past five months evaporate in the mist. First there was the last weekend of the school play, and Ashley's senior speech (which I still think the director could have made happen over Zoom). Then Senior Fashion Show (which I was so proud of her signing up to do, since it is so far out of her comfort zone). Then an avalanche of missed milestones big and small.
There was choosing a college despite never going on a tour. Never having the chance to spend a weekend on campus.
No school trip to Walt Disney World with her friends.
Yes, her school created graduation, but it wasn't the arena graduation and baccalaureate mass that generations of alumni have had. There was also no prom.
There is still no yearbook, which means no yearbook signings to look back on in the future.
Summer vacation plans went from a trip to California to sitting in our house. I'm finally taking a week off because I'm so weary, but we are not going anywhere.
A friend's wedding reception was postponed a year.
A 104th birthday celebration is on hold. Hopefully we'll be able to gather to celebrate while she is still alive.
A trip to the library to pick up books involves making a reservation for a later date with a 15-minute time block.
Races keep being pushed back, or turning virtual.
The latest stress in life is will Ashley move on campus on August 21, or will the semester be completely virtual? Schools that had said they will be on campus saw rising numbers, especially among the 18-24 year olds, and are now saying they teach remotely.
That's bad enough. Then you have people who are not paying for your child's education telling you that is too much to pay for virtual education. You think we don't realize that? That your child (who they only only from your Facebook posts) should take the year off and do something else. "What else?" I ask. "Oh, get a job or volunteer to grocery shop for the elderly." Umm...okay. How about if she finds a cure for Coronavirus during her imposed time off?
Did I mention they are not paying for her education, nor do they know her?
So as we are trying to buy what we think she might need for college, in the back of our minds we wonder if she is really leaving in 13 days or if the school will make another *final* decision.
Should we buy the fridge, rent one, or skip it all together? Skipping it is not really an option with her allergies and desire for a bedtime snack of cereal with almond milk (the campus has soy milk). Renting is easier on our backs. Buying is the better investment. Yes, our frustrations about whether or not she will actually be on campus are being filtered into a fridge.
Two days ago she received her room assignment, and confirmation that the girl she connected with will be in her pod of people she is allowed to be unmasked around. Only freshmen have guaranteed housing. Upperclassmen have to request it -- in normal years 96% of students live on campus.
We are still waiting to see her fall schedule, even though classes start in two weeks.
So much uncertainty in a normal year. The pandemic is not helping.
Will she stay on campus through Thanksgiving? Will we have to drop everything to take both cars to Allentown to clean out her room?
I should be worrying about will she make future lifelong friends. Will she fall in love with the school like she did with her high school. Will she take advantage of the millions of opportunities. Will she start dating. Will she tell me what is happening in her life.
Instead I worry she will catch a deadly disease and possibly pass it on to others. I worry we'll get the call to take her home NOW, or that she is in alone in quarantine. I worry eight short semesters will not be enough to do everything she wants to do in college -- internships, study abroad, design sets for shows, be involved with shows (even though that is her major). Will four years be enough time?
Should I just keep her home and put her in bubble wrap?
Saturday, August 8, 2020
Sunday, July 26, 2020
A Friend Asks "How are you doing?"
Long story short, today a friend from college texted me. The longer version is I reached out to her mom when a photo popped up in my Facebook history and I realized this friend is no longer on Facebook.
The mom, realizing we had not connected in a while reached out to her daughter, who then reached out to me. The daughter asked "How are you doing?"
I'm struggling with how to respond.
Do I answer "Fine," even though the only way I am feeling "fine" is in the Louise Penny sense of the word, a nuance most people would not get.
Do I open myself up and tell her how I'm really feeling? Bare my soul? Tell her I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm weary.
What is the happy, middle ground. "I'm okay?"
I don't want to ignore her text as she has ignored my last few over the years. It turns out she didn't recognize my new number and rather than asking "who is this," she ignored my messages, and the friendship faded to acquaintance, if that.
I'm still left with how to reply.
If I reply by pouring out my heart and telling her how I really feel and she ignores me again, the hurt will hurt and I'll shut my heart again.
If I tell her "fine" or "okay," our friendship won't move forward.
I want to know what is happening in her life, and the life of her family. I just don't want to get hurt. Again.
Why is friendship so hard?
UPDATE: I replied "feeling nostalgic" (in response to the photo that initiated the conversation). Asked how they were doing, and several hours later am still awaiting a repsonse.
The mom, realizing we had not connected in a while reached out to her daughter, who then reached out to me. The daughter asked "How are you doing?"
I'm struggling with how to respond.
Do I answer "Fine," even though the only way I am feeling "fine" is in the Louise Penny sense of the word, a nuance most people would not get.
Do I open myself up and tell her how I'm really feeling? Bare my soul? Tell her I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm weary.
What is the happy, middle ground. "I'm okay?"
I don't want to ignore her text as she has ignored my last few over the years. It turns out she didn't recognize my new number and rather than asking "who is this," she ignored my messages, and the friendship faded to acquaintance, if that.
I'm still left with how to reply.
If I reply by pouring out my heart and telling her how I really feel and she ignores me again, the hurt will hurt and I'll shut my heart again.
If I tell her "fine" or "okay," our friendship won't move forward.
I want to know what is happening in her life, and the life of her family. I just don't want to get hurt. Again.
Why is friendship so hard?
UPDATE: I replied "feeling nostalgic" (in response to the photo that initiated the conversation). Asked how they were doing, and several hours later am still awaiting a repsonse.
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Teachable Moment
Teenage daughter and I are talking about how I don't let her do what she wants to do. How judgmental I am. How her friends and strangers support her decision to shave her head for fun, but I don't.
Enter Mimi, the one-eyed kitten.
Mimi's favorite game is chasing our 7-year old princess cat and encouraging Lucy to play.
Mimi's second favorite game is staring at the squirrels in the backyard and flicking her tail at them.
Ashley dislikes both of those games.
Ashley would prefer Mimi to sit on her lap and calmly be scratched.
That's not what Mimi wanted to do at that moment (though sometimes she enjoys it).
I asked Ashley: Now, who is sounding judgmental? Who is trying to control someone else?
She got the message I could not convey by talking about the two of us. She saw her role with Mimi being the same as my role with Ashley.
Hopefully, she also knows I don't hate her, I just want what I feel is best, which might not be what is really best.
I'm so confused.
Enter Mimi, the one-eyed kitten.
Mimi's favorite game is chasing our 7-year old princess cat and encouraging Lucy to play.
Mimi's second favorite game is staring at the squirrels in the backyard and flicking her tail at them.
Ashley dislikes both of those games.
Ashley would prefer Mimi to sit on her lap and calmly be scratched.
That's not what Mimi wanted to do at that moment (though sometimes she enjoys it).
I asked Ashley: Now, who is sounding judgmental? Who is trying to control someone else?
She got the message I could not convey by talking about the two of us. She saw her role with Mimi being the same as my role with Ashley.
Hopefully, she also knows I don't hate her, I just want what I feel is best, which might not be what is really best.
I'm so confused.
Today I Just Can't
I woke up feeling "I just can't" today. It is nothing in particular, and everything. I want to post my feelings on Facebook, but I'm not emotionally prepared for the inevitable "buck it up" speech, or telling me my "pity party is over," that I should volunteer to feel better. That my feelings don't matter.
So I shove them down again. I shut down again.
Today Ashley is shaving her head. I tried to explain why I am against it, and I was met with why don't I let her do what she wants to do, why don't I support her. Her friends think it is great. She gets excited talking to them about it. Then when she talks to us she gets deflated. She hears my voice in her head telling her this is a bad decision. That she is wrong.
Oh, Honey, we could all benefit from some group therapy.
Do you notice Dad and I hardly talk? Do you notice I'm upset with my mom for the ways she has treated me over the years? Do you notice how hurt I am when you tell me I've hurt you because I don't think you are good enough -- especially since I don't remember ever saying anything like that? Do you know how jealous I am of your friendships because I don't have any? Do you know maybe I have more life experiences and I don't want you to be judged as the weird artsy girl as you are starting this very important (and very expensive) chapter in your life in the middle of a pandemic? Do you realize life is spiraling out of control and changing your hair that drastically is a tipping point for me, especially since I have no control over it?
On top of that a teacher who self-identified as having been exposed to Coronavirus has in effect shut down out summer school program. We only had about 50 people participating in it. There is no hope for schools to function this year.
On top of that we finally have a President encouraging people to wear masks because of "the Chinese virus." Some say "It's about time." Others say "Even Dr. Fauci dismissed the use of masks in the beginning." How can wearing a mask be so divisive?
Life is draining.
Don went to bed before dinner last night. When I asked him how he is feeling today he was dismissive. I know he'll never ask me how I am feeling. Nor will Ashley.
So, today I just can't. Maybe later today I can. Maybe it will take a few days. The longer I keep it buried, the longer it will take before I feel better.
So I shove them down again. I shut down again.
Today Ashley is shaving her head. I tried to explain why I am against it, and I was met with why don't I let her do what she wants to do, why don't I support her. Her friends think it is great. She gets excited talking to them about it. Then when she talks to us she gets deflated. She hears my voice in her head telling her this is a bad decision. That she is wrong.
Oh, Honey, we could all benefit from some group therapy.
Do you notice Dad and I hardly talk? Do you notice I'm upset with my mom for the ways she has treated me over the years? Do you notice how hurt I am when you tell me I've hurt you because I don't think you are good enough -- especially since I don't remember ever saying anything like that? Do you know how jealous I am of your friendships because I don't have any? Do you know maybe I have more life experiences and I don't want you to be judged as the weird artsy girl as you are starting this very important (and very expensive) chapter in your life in the middle of a pandemic? Do you realize life is spiraling out of control and changing your hair that drastically is a tipping point for me, especially since I have no control over it?
On top of that a teacher who self-identified as having been exposed to Coronavirus has in effect shut down out summer school program. We only had about 50 people participating in it. There is no hope for schools to function this year.
On top of that we finally have a President encouraging people to wear masks because of "the Chinese virus." Some say "It's about time." Others say "Even Dr. Fauci dismissed the use of masks in the beginning." How can wearing a mask be so divisive?
Life is draining.
Don went to bed before dinner last night. When I asked him how he is feeling today he was dismissive. I know he'll never ask me how I am feeling. Nor will Ashley.
So, today I just can't. Maybe later today I can. Maybe it will take a few days. The longer I keep it buried, the longer it will take before I feel better.
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Parable of the Sower
Most weeks during the Corona Virus pandemic I have visited several worship services. Sometimes I hear the same scripture, but with different interpretations. These would be the weeks church is preaching lectionary. Last week was one of those weeks. Both the Presbyterian Church of Lawrenceville and the American Church of Paris preached on the parable of the sower.
Most Christians are familiar with the text. Some of the seed fell on rocky soil, some fell on thorny soil, some were gobbled up by the birds, some fell on good soil and bore good fruit. Yes, that is a really condensed version of scripture, which I linked in the previous paragraph.
Pastor Grant preached at the American Church in Paris about this scripture on his last Sunday at the church. His internship was ending during one of the craziest times in recent Parisian history -- the yellow vest protests, metro strikes, and COVID. I hope he still managed to enjoy Paris.
I don't often write about church services, but a week later his 20+ minute sermon (beginning around 37 minutes) stayed with me. Halfway through he talked about the "literary particularities."
Quickly he said the rock/rocky soil is Peter (which means rock -- Pierre in French/rock in English). Peter denied Christ three times. He spread the fruit quickly, but did not sustain it. (No mention was made about how he later became the first pope and the foundation (rock) of Christianity.)
The thorny soil is the wealthy man who was asked to give everything to the poor and follow Jesus. He had potential but did not bear fruit.
The seeds gobbled up by the birds, a phrase only used twice by Mark (the other time was when the Pharoses gobbled up the widows' possessions while she prayed). It is about oppressing poor people trampled soil because it challenged their comfort.
The good soil bears fruit is seen in all marginalized oppressed people even though they are told are offensive, including the leper and the woman who could not stop bleeding, still sought out Jesus and ignored the religious leaders.
There is a lot more to his sermon. "We all must be actively anti-oppresssion. ... Bearing fruit is a choice." In this last sermon he challenges us to bear fruit.
Last week Grant returned to Princeton Theological Seminary, only 15 minutes away from where I live. I hope our paths cross.
To God be the Glory.
Most Christians are familiar with the text. Some of the seed fell on rocky soil, some fell on thorny soil, some were gobbled up by the birds, some fell on good soil and bore good fruit. Yes, that is a really condensed version of scripture, which I linked in the previous paragraph.
Pastor Grant preached at the American Church in Paris about this scripture on his last Sunday at the church. His internship was ending during one of the craziest times in recent Parisian history -- the yellow vest protests, metro strikes, and COVID. I hope he still managed to enjoy Paris.
I don't often write about church services, but a week later his 20+ minute sermon (beginning around 37 minutes) stayed with me. Halfway through he talked about the "literary particularities."
Quickly he said the rock/rocky soil is Peter (which means rock -- Pierre in French/rock in English). Peter denied Christ three times. He spread the fruit quickly, but did not sustain it. (No mention was made about how he later became the first pope and the foundation (rock) of Christianity.)
The thorny soil is the wealthy man who was asked to give everything to the poor and follow Jesus. He had potential but did not bear fruit.
The seeds gobbled up by the birds, a phrase only used twice by Mark (the other time was when the Pharoses gobbled up the widows' possessions while she prayed). It is about oppressing poor people trampled soil because it challenged their comfort.
The good soil bears fruit is seen in all marginalized oppressed people even though they are told are offensive, including the leper and the woman who could not stop bleeding, still sought out Jesus and ignored the religious leaders.
There is a lot more to his sermon. "We all must be actively anti-oppresssion. ... Bearing fruit is a choice." In this last sermon he challenges us to bear fruit.
Last week Grant returned to Princeton Theological Seminary, only 15 minutes away from where I live. I hope our paths cross.
To God be the Glory.
Saturday, July 18, 2020
Library in the Corona Era
New Jersey is doing a great job coming back to normal, except where it isn't.
Outdoor dining was promised to us on July 2, but other states had spiking numbers so on June 30 that was taken away.
Libraries are allowed to open, but our local library does not feel comfortable opening their doors.
Instead we have curbside pick up.
In theory, this is a great idea. After all we mostly only use the library for picking up books we have on hold.
Reality does not match theory in this case.
The library staff understandably fell behind in processing requests. I was getting so impatient I started visiting little free libraries to find reading materials. They weren't books I wanted to read, but better than nothing. I also signed up for Netflix and started watching "The Crown," (which I am enjoying a lot!).
They send an email when you have books to pick up. You have to call during their limited hours to make an appointment to visit the tent in the upper left hand corner to pick up the books. You are assigned a 15-minute window.
Deep breaths.
Everyone is frustrated with the system from the staff to the patrons. It is out of all of our hands. While some libraries are opening, our county has decided not to. Hopefully a solution will happen before the weather turns.
Meanwhile, I am enjoying having a huge selection of books to read.
Outdoor dining was promised to us on July 2, but other states had spiking numbers so on June 30 that was taken away.
Libraries are allowed to open, but our local library does not feel comfortable opening their doors.
Instead we have curbside pick up.
In theory, this is a great idea. After all we mostly only use the library for picking up books we have on hold.
Reality does not match theory in this case.
The library staff understandably fell behind in processing requests. I was getting so impatient I started visiting little free libraries to find reading materials. They weren't books I wanted to read, but better than nothing. I also signed up for Netflix and started watching "The Crown," (which I am enjoying a lot!).
They send an email when you have books to pick up. You have to call during their limited hours to make an appointment to visit the tent in the upper left hand corner to pick up the books. You are assigned a 15-minute window.
Deep breaths.
Everyone is frustrated with the system from the staff to the patrons. It is out of all of our hands. While some libraries are opening, our county has decided not to. Hopefully a solution will happen before the weather turns.
Meanwhile, I am enjoying having a huge selection of books to read.
The Last Dance Baseball Tournament
Life came to a grinding halt in March. Everything was cancelled Rightfully so, but it hurt the senior class. Ashley's drama teacher was able to put on a Zoom production of Metamorphases, but there was no way for high school sports teams to still practice and hold games. Everyone understood, but that doesn't mean people didn't wish it was different.
As the numbers in New Jersey improved high school baseball teams were able to hold the Last Dance Tournament. According to a friend 222 schools sent teams in an elimination-style tournament. Winners move on, non-winners were done for the season. Ouch, but better than nothing.
For some reason the teams had to come up with a new name. His son's team is called Dirty Boyz Liedke Trucking instead of Hamilton West. They had to get sponsors to help off-set the costs.
His team somehow scored playing most of their games at Trenton Thunder's stadium. Thunder has been generous to host. Tickets are $10 each, plus a $2 processing fee. No charge to park. They are still required to stick to the 500 person limit for outside gatherings (the stadium can seat over 8,000 people). We were encouraged to socially distance our seating, though no one came around to enforce it. Likewise we were encouraged to wear masks, though no one enforced it, so very few people did it. I'd say about 10% of the people wore masks, and that might be generous. They don't get that one case of COVID traced back to the tournament will shut it all down. The friends I saw and I wore ours. We can only do what we can do.
It felt almost normal being outside watching a game. The quality is very good, despite they were not able to have practices. The game I did not go to, his son pitched six innings and was the winning pitcher. High school games only go to seven innings.
The weather was perfect. It was nice to have a good conversation.
On Tuesday Ashley's school's team will play Hamilton West, otherwise known as the Lawrence Road Irish vs. Dirty Boyz Liedtka Trucking. Not sure who I will root for. Is it okay to root for both sides?
As the numbers in New Jersey improved high school baseball teams were able to hold the Last Dance Tournament. According to a friend 222 schools sent teams in an elimination-style tournament. Winners move on, non-winners were done for the season. Ouch, but better than nothing.
For some reason the teams had to come up with a new name. His son's team is called Dirty Boyz Liedke Trucking instead of Hamilton West. They had to get sponsors to help off-set the costs. 
His team somehow scored playing most of their games at Trenton Thunder's stadium. Thunder has been generous to host. Tickets are $10 each, plus a $2 processing fee. No charge to park. They are still required to stick to the 500 person limit for outside gatherings (the stadium can seat over 8,000 people). We were encouraged to socially distance our seating, though no one came around to enforce it. Likewise we were encouraged to wear masks, though no one enforced it, so very few people did it. I'd say about 10% of the people wore masks, and that might be generous. They don't get that one case of COVID traced back to the tournament will shut it all down. The friends I saw and I wore ours. We can only do what we can do.
It felt almost normal being outside watching a game. The quality is very good, despite they were not able to have practices. The game I did not go to, his son pitched six innings and was the winning pitcher. High school games only go to seven innings.The weather was perfect. It was nice to have a good conversation.
On Tuesday Ashley's school's team will play Hamilton West, otherwise known as the Lawrence Road Irish vs. Dirty Boyz Liedtka Trucking. Not sure who I will root for. Is it okay to root for both sides?
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