The Encouraging Word

On Monday through Friday mornings my main church (The Presbyterian Church of Lawrenceville) has been emailing a short video with an encouraging word for the day. While i also receive two daily devotionals during Lent, this email message feels more appropriate because they were created with the Corona Virus in mind. And, yes, messages of how to live in exile feel more appropriate than messages written before the phrase social distancing was part of our vocabulary.

Earlier in the week Pastor Louise preached on Ecclesiastes 3. These scriptures were most made famous by "Turn, Turn, Turn" by Vern Gosdin. I trust you all know this ear worm.

Until she read the scripture, I hadn't noticed the line "a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing" (v. 5). She said that is not why she chose this passage, but it certainly stood out to me.

I'm tired of not embracing. While I wouldn't call myself and extrovert or a chronic hugger, those traits live in me. I am missing human interaction in ways my anti-social teenager would never have predicted.

We continue to live in our exile on the Isle of Lawrenceville. Twenty-one days and counting.

Turn, turn, turn.

Still Missing Carin

A year and a half after Carin's death I still miss her on a daily basis. Some days it hits when I'm thinking about the college search. Other times when I need a sanity check from a trusted friend. Lately it has been over the mask shortage.

When Carin was in the hospital for a long time her creative juices were still flowing. She made costumes out of hospital masks.

Post 1
Post 2

Each one was funnier than the one before.

I thought of these masks with the shortage of hospital masks in the age of the Corona virus. I'm glad this simple pleasure was not also robbed from her.

I think of her when I have people tell me I am not doing social distancing correctly. See, they have not left the house in three weeks (which is the proper way to do so, even if it means they are losing their minds), but I still leave the house. I still support local businesses. I still go for walks and runs. In their universe, that is wrong. According to the laws of the land we are allowed to leave for essentials and walks outside. I understand if you are immuno-suppressed you should't go to the grocery store, but I don't understand why a walk on a nice Spring day should be avoided. There are likely to be more germs inside than in the park. But, that is their choice. I don't have to agree with them, but I also don't dare tell them they are wrong because I don't understand what it is like to almost die and live in daily fear I could die at any point. 

I object when they take these pleasures away from me.

I object when they take away feelings of hope (in the form of I hope we can celebrate Ashley's graduation, or I look forward to this being over). They are realists. They know the end is much farther away than June and I should just accept reality.

I think they are pessimists. 

I offer to "agree to disagree," and am told I am still wrong. 

Well, that's not agreeing to disagree.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I am following the rules. I do still want a life after Coronavirus, yesterday would not be too soon. 

Any time I start to feel a little optimistic someone erases my good feeling with a snippy FaceBook post. So, yes, I should just stay away from FaceBook and live in my own happy bubble. Being happy or annoyed doesn't change the outcome.

I think of Carin. I have a feeling Carin, though immuno-suppressed, would be making masks for hospital workers and still driving her kids around (though the oldest is now driving and has her own car). I picture she would have level-headed advice about how to compromise between living in fear that the big C could strike again, and living her life. 

I met a guy today (yes, I talked to a stranger from about 15 feet away as he was doing yard work). He said he has a pretty good attitude most of the time. He is using new-found free time to do some yard work and hang with his small son. He also admits sometimes he is not so happy with what is happening. 

So if I am 85% unhappy with this, and 15% okay with it, maybe he is the converse. I'm not even sure about my 85/15 split. I am not yet at 50/50 and probably won't be until the tide turns and I see graduation and prom in our future, but maybe I'm getting closer to 60/40.

I saw an NPR story about how it is okay for the seniors to be mourning the loss of senior year. The story focused on the kids, but us parents are grieving, too.

This is something I know Carin would have sympathized with.

Worship in the Age of Social Distancing

The second week of social distancing went better than the first. Perhaps because instead of wondering what would be taken away from us that day, the governor gave us some things that probably should have been on the original list but were not, most notably bicycle repair and gardening shops. Felt uplifting to have something returned to us.

Something else that is uplifting is being able to worship. Churches have been scrambling to figure out how to change their way of worshiping to fit social distancing. Though it is only 10:15 am, I am participating in my third worship service today, and anticipating worshiping again tonight at 5 pm with my usual worshipers.

My first service of the day was at The American Church in Paris, where I worshiped as a college student. It was very, very well done. The staff moved around the sanctuary, which is a tourist destination on a normal day. The pastor preached about Lazarus being raised from the dead. It was lectionary. My first thought, was "uh oh, how many times am I going to hear this same scripture today?" Fortunately only one more time. 

Lectionary means this scripture was chosen when the greater church mapped out their list of what scriptures are read each week. There is a three year cycle: Matthew, Mark, and Luke. John is read and preached on during every holiday, the other three gospels rotate. I was a Presbyterian for many years before I ever heard of this, so I'll assume this is new information for at least a few people reading my blog. 

What was cool about the Lazarus story is the preacher reminded us Jesus took two days to visit his best friends. Martha yells at him for taking so long -- if only he had gotten there sooner, he could have saved their brother. Yeah, no pressure. Jesus mourned the loss of his friend, even though he knew he would be bringing him back to life.  

The message being that Jesus (God) works on His time. As we are in a time of exile wondering when the Corona virus quarantines will be over, I have to remind myself they'll be over in God's time and not in mine. It stinks, but here we are.

After the service, the organist (who was the organist when I worshiped there in the early 1990s) gave a docent tour. Let me back up, each week there are docent-led tours after worship because the church is also a tourist destination. Fred, the organist, lives at the church (or at least he used to when I worshiped there, I assume he did not give up his prime real estate). This week's tour was a close-up of the Rose Window that can only be seen by standing on top of the organ. Next week he promises a tour of the pipes in the pipe organ.

My second service was with the church where Ashley was baptized, the First Presbyterian Church of Hamilton Square. It felt helpful to see familiar faces. They are in a sermon series preaching on the Beatitudes (blessed are the.... because they ...) section of the bible. Today was blessed are the peacemakers. We can always use peace, perhaps more than ever today. Not mentioned in the sermon, but a thought I have had is I have not heard about mass looting taking place. Instead I have noticed a massive time of slowing down. Being able to enjoy the birds singing. When i don't fret about what our family has lost (which is not easy) I feel peace.

Third up was the 10 am service where I tend to worship at 5 pm, the Presbyterian Church of Lawrenceville. Kyle preached on Psalm 23, "the lord is my shepherd." I love that they include a children's sermon even though there are no kids visible. They used fancy technology to have the musicians perform from the safety of their homes. A cool side note, many of the worship participants live together.

Then I took a break until my usual 5 pm WiNK service. Same pastor as at 10 am, but this time he switched to his "WiNK attire," meaning no bow tie. The 10 who signed in (maybe 15 actual people, a light WiNK service, but not unheard of) participated in a lectura divina (I probably have the wrong spelling) where we watched a video of someone reading the Lazarus story (see how my day came in full circle) and coloring in different parts of the image, followed by silent meditation and guided discussion. A month ago the Lenten theme was "In the Wilderness." No one knew at the time just how appropriate it would be. Because we are small group, we had time to just talk to each other. Talk about how we are really doing.

I enjoyed being connected to people for a bit, but did not anticipate how empty I would feel when my Zoom friends clicked off and said good-bye. It doesn't matter if I know the people in real life or not, when that virtual meeting ends I have a sudden feeling of sadness. They suddenly vaporize out of my life. I can't simply turn around and have one more thought. 

*Poof*

History Comes to Life

This past week has been draining for everyone in New Jersey, the United States, and the World and we unite to battle Coronavirus. 

Each day as more liberties are taken away from us, I thought about the Holocaust. No, I do not expect people to be put to death from this (other than from the virus), but growing up I wondered how and why Jews accepted their world changing. 

Taken from https://www.bl.uk/learning/histcitizen/voices/info/decrees/decrees.html

1934: Jewish students excluded from exams in medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, and law
2020: SATs and ACTs cancelled

1935-36: Jews banned from parks, restaurants, and swimming pools; passports for Jews to travel abroad restricted; many Jewish students removed from German schools and universities.
2020: Parks, restaurants, and swimming pools closed. Borders closed not allowing any international travel; all students removed from schools to do distance learning instead.

1938: Special identity card issued to Jews; Jews excluded from cinema, theater, concerts, exhibitions, beaches, and holiday resorts.
2020: Letters given to essential employees to be allowed to travel after curfew; all cinema, theater, concerts, etc. are banned.

1939: Jewish curfew established
2020: Everyone under curfew

1941: Jews forbidden to leave the country
2020: Everyone forbidden to leave the country

Again I repeat, I am not expecting mass exterminations. 

Losing our rights this past week has made me see these parallels. 

First the schools closed. Then the libraries. Then the non-essential businesses. Then the parks and beaches.

Only ten days ago I had to convince my boss to postpone the gala, even though the governor was allowing events of under 250 to take place (since lowered to 50, then 10, now it might be just immediate family). 

The first sign a business would be closing is the employees wore gloves. Within 48 hours that business would be closed for the indefinite future.

These are scary times. There is no sign that life will return to normal in our lifetime. Once borders reopen the anticipation is there will be a second, third, fourth, etc. wave before this disease disappears, only to be replaced by a new one. Covid-19 (as it is called now) has already mutated once. It will mutate again. The cures being worked on now might not work by the time they are ready for the general population. 

Hang in there everyone.

Virtual Hugs Just Don't Cut It

I had another post in mind for today then I received a phone call Don's 90+ year old Aunt Ruth died. Followed by a FaceBook message a friend lost his 7-year battle with cancer. Followed by another post, a friend's mother died. Followed by a friend saying a mutual friend had to lay-off her staff. Followed by another friend saying she had lay-off her staff of 40.

Friends, we are only a week into social distancing. The governor is likely to announce mass quarantines today for all but healthcare workers and grocery store employees (but who can get to the grocery stores other than healthcare workers?).

I am following the rules (I will always be a rule follower), but I question the toll this is taking on all of us. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Financially. Will we emerge stronger? Can we emerge stronger? How long will it take to emerge stronger?

The prediction for this disease is we'll return to "normal" for a bit, then wave two will hit. Followed by waves three and four. Might take 18 months until a vaccine is approved. Meanwhile the disease keeps mutating, has already mutated twice in the past few months. Can a cure be found? Can scientists keep on top of it?

Only time will tell. 

Social Shaming

Day 5 of our forced curbing of what we have all felt to be rights no one would ever take away from us in this country -- the right to eat in restaurants, the right to be out in public, the right to full shelves at the grocery store, the right to hug each other, the right to congregate, the right to worship together, the right to go to school, etc. Rights so basic, we never thought about them until the Coronovirus took them away.

Life is a lot different in only a few days. The latest right taken away was the right to get a hair cut or manicure. I was able to have my hair treated on Tuesday, my appointment was changed from the Thursday before when I was busy postponing the gala. The salon was empty. People were canceling their appointments. Meanwhile the staff wondered if they would be able to reopen once the dust settles. When Hurricane Sandy shut them down for a week due to the loss of power they nearly did not reopen. No one knows how long the shut down will be.

As I typed this I learned the governor of Pennsylvania (the state next to us) is planning to announce a Shelter in Place. That means no crossing the state line, or having a friend alter Ashley's prom dress (which she may never wear) because the friend is in Pennsylvania.

A friend suggested I keep a diary. My insights during this time might help historians. I'd rather keep up the blog so others realize they are not alone in this.

Today's topic: Social Shaming

Social shaming goes something like this:

Person A: I just did take out from a local restaurant
Person B: How dare you leave the house when we are supposed to ALL be staying inside! (The law is against eating in restaurants, we can still do take out and support local restaurants.)


Or this:
Person A: Let's put our Christmas displays back out so we can brighten up our lives in a way that does not involve interacting with each other!
Person B: My mother is on a ventilator. I wouldn't take electricity she might need for something as frivolous as Christmas lights. (Mind you, there is no indication we are draining the power grid by all working from home.)


Or this:
Person A: Kids are outside playing basketball in public! How dare they! (groups under 50 are still allowed, and this group was well under 50)


Or this:
Person A: My neighbors are having a party. They had at least 6-7 pizzas delivered.
Person B: Maybe they were having a funeral, don't cast judgment on them.
Person A: I would never do that. (May no one in your family die so you don't have to decide between respecting the dead and isolating yourself.)


Or this:
Person A: Kids should not get together during this time. (Again, small groups of healthy people are still allowed together.)
Person B: 30 kids playing basketball together is wrong (only to find out she had a sleepover with her kids' best friends).


These are truly trying times. I would like to think everyone would be okay with a solid we hunker down for two weeks then life will return to fun and reality and we will have all done our best for society. However, the predictions range from two weeks (which no one believes at this point) to four weeks to two months to four months to eighteen months to we try again in two weeks and when wave two hits, we hunker down for another two more months.

Eighteen months? Who will still be in business besides Amazon and Walmart? At what point will the government deem it is okay for us to return to life? Are we really making a difference?

When life opens up again, how long will it take for us to trust it? For us to make plans for the future? For us to dream for our children and for ourselves?

Yes, everyone is losing something during this time. For us it is Ashley's senior year and her ability to do college visits. For my school our building campaign is on hold. I wonder about my job because my paycheck comes out of what I raise. I was suppose to bring in over $50,000 this week at the gala. I won't be able to do that. If it is only a two-week pause we'll recover, if it is 18 months, I'll lose my job. Try finding a new one in this economy!

It still doesn't make it easy. The social shaming also goes along the lines of:

Person A: I didn't get to do XYZ during my life because of some situation and I survived.

Gee, thanks, I don't want my daughter to survive this, I want her to enjoy this time of life.

Or
Person A: Everyone is suffering, so your pain is really not that big a deal in the grand scheme of life.

Gee, thanks, I didn't realize there were levels of pain and graded on a scale of frivolous to serious. Usually serious is reserved for what the person grading the scale is personally going through.

We mourn our own losses -- maybe a business, maybe a school year, maybe not being able to go on that trip of a lifetime, maybe not being able to see your family as you isolate. Family members will still die, but we won't be able to mourn with them.

The governor of Pennsylvania is scheduled to announce a Shelter in Place, which would take away the right to go for a walk in your neighborhood, too. We'll find out later today what the newest set or rules will be.

As stricter and stricter measures are put into place, I am still left wondering are we making a difference? What are we losing by killing the virus through social isolation? How high will the suicide rate climb? How how will unemployment soar? How many businesses will fold? Again, is it worth it?

Doomsday Predictions

A few days ago I posted my feelings about Ashley's senior year being disrupted (at best) or cancelled (at medium prediction). Many were supportive of allowing me to vent my feelings, but at least a few reminded me but isn't this better than many people dying from the disease?

Of course I don't wish mass deaths on the world, but like everyone else I am adjusting. I am still doing what I am supposed to -- staying away from others, only shopping for necessities, not leaving the house except for walks. Meanwhile I don't have to be happy about it. 

The most optimistic predictions are we will be social distancing for two weeks. As we are at day 4, that does not seem likely.

The doomsday predictions call for 18 months until a vaccine exists, then time to distribute that vaccination before we can get on with our lives. Meanwhile this disease is mutating, which will take longer for a cure.

I want to distance myself from social media because of the judgments -- I saw kids playing in the park, don't their parents know they should stay inside? Someone had a party with six pizza boxes, don't they know they should stay away from others? I saw someone hoarding food at the grocery store, don't they know that is wrong?

But then I don't want to distance myself because there is some good out there and I want to be connected to people.

If this drags on for months, years, what businesses besides Amazon and Walmart will survive? 

This week all non-essential businesses have closed, or will close before the end of the week. The dentist office (at some point won't we need cleanings?), the hair salon, restaurants, the library, schools (distance learning will not work for all), and so much more are closed until further notice.

I could simply keep my feelings to myself (which tends to eat me alive, but, heh, it is for the greater good) or share them and risk being told I am wrong for having feelings (did we dive that deeply into communism where we are not allowed to have feelings?).

For now I'll share because I suspect I am not alone in my feelings, even if others are unwilling to share, and because I often feel better after I write -- at least until someone casts judgment on me for having feelings and I spiral in a nosedive again.

May I look back on this time soon and say why was I worried? That wasn't so bad. Maybe I'll even have guilt for wasting this time feeling sorry for myself and the world. Maybe businesses will thrive and new jobs will be created out of this mess. Maybe the disease will simply disappear in a poof of air (as was predicted by a psychic a number of years ago).

For now I continue to ache and I am adult enough to admit it rather than pretending life is wonderful. If I pretend I'll never be able to move past the feelings to the next stage. 

When I firmly return to feeling optimistic about the future, I'll blog about it and encourage others to feel optimistic again, too. In the meantime, there will be good moments and bad ones. That is life.