Best Friends are Hard to Find

In a few hours I will be gathering with Carin's family and friends to officially say good-bye to her life on earth. Though Carin has been suffering from cancer for way to long, and I could see and hear it robbing us of her, I still didn't want to believe this day would come. Throughout her journey, Carin's message has been "I Choose Hope." Her Facebook page's quote is: "I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the world around me." Her blog is filled with humor as she battled the impossible. As she battled the same cancer that killed her mother a decade ago, she still clung to hope.

Our friendship was not a showy-Facebook friendship filled with selfies of our fabulous times together. Ours was the quiet kind of friendship. This is only of the few pictures I have of us -- taken when she entered the hospital again in February. Instead just about everyday we emailed and texted each other about the minutia of life. When she was in the hospital she texted me the stats and word from the doctors. I texted back encouragement, even on the days I couldn't feel it. 

Our friendship started with bonding at a Mommy and Me class when our girls were 6 and 9 months old. We would talk, really talk, about the challenges of raising a daughter. We would talk about our husbands, in-laws, and sisters knowing what we said to each other was safe from being spread as gossip. While she kept up a brave face on social media, especially on her blog, she knew she could be real with me and I knew I could be real with her. That is rare in this world.

Our messages to each other were frequent, and often short. In the days since hearing she was entering hospice I have wanted to message her at least a hundred times. Little things like:

* In Helsinki there is an exhibit of Barbie Dolls. Thought of you.

* How clueless could people be? I running past them 80 times on the clearly marked track and yet they still stand in front of me to take a selfie when there is a perfectly clear space 20 feet away without people running on it!

* Can't wait to tell you about St. Petersburg. Beautiful weather, but The Hermitage was super crowded, and we were running behind schedule so our guide raced us through it. Not sure what I saw.

* Finland was not worth seeing. Ashley is researching why people should visit Helsinki other than it is easy to get to St. Petersburg from here. Doesn't help this is where I learned you are entering hospice.

* Stockholm was stunning. Of all the places we went to, this is the one I want to revisit.

* Don uttered words I never thought I'd hear him say: Copenhagen has too many bicycles!

* Met someone in the Copenhagen train station who works on the Brunswick Circle.

* I have an interview for a short term position with Princeton University Library next week, and one with Dress for Success when I come home. Still waiting to hear from Music Together. I'm finally feeling hopeful this job search will work out. 

And on and on. There is so much I want to share with her.

Here is what I did write: I miss you.

If you see me walking around like I just lost my best friend, or breaking into tears thinking about how Carin won't be there to help her children decide on colleges and majors, or to stand with her son as he is a bar mitzvah this year, or guide her children as they navigate the world of dating, marriage, and children, it is because I did. I feel like I lost my lifeline. The one person in the world I could be real with and never feel judged or belittled or humored. The one person who accepted me for who I am without trying to change me. The one person I could let my guard down around.

Carin could not keep still. I remember when the girls were little we were attending a Colonial tea. I was happy sitting listening to Stacy talk about the era. Carin used the time to make a choker for each of the girls. The chokers really did improve their 18th century costumes (which she had made by hand).

Carin donated feminine products and socks because she knew in her heart someone should, and she was that person. Most people donate the more glamour items, but she realized if you give someone the real basics, they have a little more money to spend on the food they really want, instead of what was donated.

Carin was the best dragon sitter. On Tuesdays she would celebrate Taco Tuesday with Sandy Claws Dragon by wrapping a freeze-dried cricket in a piece of lettuce. He, and all animals who crossed her path, were spoiled.

Carin had lots of awesome traits. Today we will gather to share Carin stories, and cry because there will be no new ones.

The lyrics to the Wicked's "Because I knew you" are swimming through my head: Because I knew you, I've been changed for the good.

She was special in a quiet, understated way. That is why I'll miss her. She made me a better me.