Faux Prom

Tonight was supposed to be prom. Instead it was Faux Prom.

I offered to let Ashley invite a few friends over to take pictures in the backyard (the governor now allows 25 people -- three friends, plus dates, plus parents, equals 24), but she turned me down. Even offered to invite Andrew, her date, but she still said no.

She did agree to wear her dress and take a few pictures.

Tonight Post-Prom is still happening at 11:30 PM. Post-Prom is to encourage everyone to hang out together and not go drinking. They'll hang out on a giant Zoom chat and play games. Hopefully she'll tell me about it in the morning.

The dress was purchased just as the world was falling apart in mid-March. The original plan was to purchase this one for the Junior Prom with Andrew, and buy the WOW dress for the Senior Prom. At least we bought one.

Churches

I have a thought I want to share, but not argue about. 

It has to do with churches.

Last week the president declared that all churches should be wide open, even though being indoors and singing is one of the easiest ways to spread the Corona virus.

Immediately churches issued statements saying church is more than a building, it is the people.

It is a wonderful sentiment. One I hope does not backfire the next time the church building needs a major repair. Or the governing board realizes a quick way to make money would be to sell the church building. After all, if the church is more than a building, and it is the people, who needs a church building? 

Church buildings are expensive to maintain. Might be best to just have one church in town for photo ops and all the churches chip in to maintain that.

Much cheaper, right?

I do understand the sentiment is deeper. It is while the virus is happening and it is potentially deadly to meet indoors together, the people are still doing the work of the church. However, once it is safe enough to gather in person, we do miss everyone and more happens when we are together.

Meanwhile, churches are learning there are benefits to offering worship online. At the American Church in Paris they used to have 650 people worshiping at three services. Now they have 1,000 viewing online from over 70 countries. Definitely interest in online worship.

Governor Murphy indicated he will allow churches to meet again by June 12, with certain as yet to be named rules and regulations. We'll see what happens.

Meanwhile the church can function now without its building because of the years of building trust and friendship among the congregation. Online worship is not meant to replace the brick and mortar church, only enhance it.

Be careful.

Last Day of K-12 Education

Even though the Grinch (in this case Corona Virus) has tried to steal graduation, the end of the school year came anyway.

The Spring Concert and Art Show was virtual. The Spring Show was virtual. The Candle Rose Ceremony was virtual. The Spring Awards ceremony will be virtual on Thursday. Over the next three days we will be filming graduation so it can be shown virtually on Sunday. Next week we will return to clean out her locker, pick up her artwork, and say good-bye. There is talk of having an on-field graduation ceremony in July. I hope that can happen so they can see their friends again.

No matter how hard the virus tries to steal bits of our children's memories from them, Notre Dame tries harder to make lemonade out of lemons.

Yesterday was Ashley's last day of K-12 education. She asked if I would take her to Notre Dame to take some pictures. "Would it be okay if I wore my uniform?" So glad she asked since I really did want her to wear it, but didn't want to push.

A few hours later we picked up her cap and gown and post prom in a box. Tonight was supposed to be prom. I wish it could have happened. I really do. She had a date. She has great friends she wants to celebrate with. The weather is absolutely perfect. A friend hemmed her dress. That has been a loss that could not be replaced.

Congratulations Class of 2020!

Ashley is already looking forward to the reunion to take place over Thanksgiving weekend.

Corona virus -- STAY AWAY!

Transitions

The same day Ashley received a cookie from Notre Dame High School she received a mule from Muhlenberg College.

I call this Transition Day.

She is transitioning from being a high school student to being a college student.

Last Spring Concert

The past three years I enjoyed the magic that happened at Notre Dame's Spring concerts. Ashley was rarely on stage, and when she was we snapped a picture (or two or a dozen). 

It was often her only moment of applause after being backstage during the other productions.

This year I thought the show would be canceled. On Thursday night, Notre Dame debuted: Spring Time on Broadway. The performers were invited back to school to dress up and perform one last time as students. The only thing that would have made it more special is if Ashley was invited back, too, to help, but we are in the middle of a pandemic and they were pushing the rules a bit to do what they did.

Prior to the show, the art teacher put together a video montage of her students' works. The video starts with Ashley's AP art portfolio because the students were featured in alphabetical order by first name. After art, it segues into Spring Time on Broadway.

Here are a few pictures I took while watching in our family room. 

A treat to be able to watch a show with Ashley

Not the same, but ever grateful Notre Dame did this much. I told a friend it reminds me of the "Grinch Who Stole Christmas." The disease tried to take away graduation, but it is coming all the same. Might not have all the whistles and bells we expected, but she will still be a high school graduate in the end.

Porch Pictures

Something else that has evolved during quarantine is Porch Portraits. Someone comes to your house, spends about 10-15 minutes taking pictures of you and your family, charges $20 via PayPal and you are left with pictures commemorating this time.

We chose Jenna based on friends' pictures. She showed up exactly when she said she would and took a lot of pictures. She had great ideas for other pictures we should take. Now that we've had one session with her, I suspect we'll do another before summer is out.

After we pick up her cap and gown, we should take more pictures.

 

Well, It Wasn't Disney

Yesterday Ashley turned 18. 

A huge milestone. 

It means we got her to adulthood alive. Tried to tell her that means we will start charging rent, but she didn't believe me. It does mean she can adopt a cat (as long as she takes care of it), and can sign us out of jail (not that we've been in prison before, but there is a first time for everything).

Her milestone was supposed to take place at World Disney World surrounded by her close friends as part of a school trip. Obviously that didn't happen.

Add it to one more loss.

Ashley has been an amazing sport through this -- much better than I have been. We finally heard her utter her first negative words, and they were mighty mild given the circumstances. As the birthday parade went by, Don said something to the effect of "wasn't that nice." She said "well, it wasn't Disney."

Way to make a mom choke up.

We did what we could do under the circumstances.

At 1 pm about 15 cars swung through our neighborhood with horns honking and people waving.

Family came over to enjoy the parade -- Melissa and her family as paraders, my parents as visitors. Felt odd not allowing them inside even though we have all been quarantining separately. You just don't know. You just can't trust others and their germs.

Afterwards Ashley met up with some friends in a parking lot. This quarantine has been hard on everyone. Lawrenceville (population 33,000) has had less than 300 identified cases, the vast majority have survived. While I understand the levels would be much higher if we were allowed to live the way we lived on March 12th, it doesn't mean the disease is not also taking a mental toll on people. It doesn't mean the disease did not rob high school seniors of what should have been the best days of their K-12 schooling experience. It doesn't mean it is threatening to steal freshman year of college, and even more.

I know I'm supposed to be grateful we are all healthy, that the numbers are low in our area, that scientists are working hard to create a vaccine at warp speed, but sometimes the losses just hurt too much.

What also hurts is not knowing when this will end and we can return to hugs and the theater again.

Happy birthday, Ashley. May be be celebrating in grand style next year at the end of your freshman year of college.

Last High School Play

I don't normally create blog posts about school plays, but this one was so unique I wanted to share it with you.

With school closed for the rest of the year, Diane, our drama teacher, realized she missed putting on the spring play as much as the students missed having it. She made the decision to take it virtual. Casting was done based on who was in last year's spring play, which naturally meant a smaller cast since freshmen were excluded, and last year had a lot of seniors in the cast. A decision had to be made, and this one was as fair as others.

It also meant Ashley's friend Bridget could claim the prize for being one of the few people to be cast in all 12 productions during her high school career. Well, there isn't an actual prize, only bragging rights.

Rehearsals took place through Zoom.

The four stage managers were enlisted to read stage directions.

The show was: Metamorpheses. Enjoy the link to the performance. It was under an hour. They did a great job all things considering. There were very few rehearsals, and one was taken over by a talking session when a beloved teacher died suddenly (not related to COVID).

Very limited costumes. They were asked to wear tee-shirts from Spring productions at Notre Dame.

One person who refused to mute himself yet had the TV on behind him and his name was "iPad" instead of something you could identify him by.

Some usual 2020 Zoom glitches.

They learned Zoom has a 100 person limit, and we had invited family from all over the country, so the tech person quickly added a link to the YouTube channel. Oops.

Certainly a memory none of us will ever forget.

May theater come back in time for Ashley to start her major as a Set Design major, though it seems not very likely.

A highlight for Ashley was when she realized she was finally cast in a Notre Dame production.

Here are some pictures from the show. 

Each Senior had a bio

Ashley was in the show, but never looked up

Some of the cast, including Ashley

Before the show Diane stopped by each of the nine seniors homes -- a trek that took her several hours because people live in Pennsylvania and South Jersey, but which was warmly received by everyone.

While I am enjoying the creativity Coronovirus has brought out, I am looking forward to seeing shows in theaters again.

I Hate This Diagnosis

Mentally this is shaping up to be my most raw post yet. It is where I will lay all of my hurts on the table. As only a few people read this blog, and they might not even be people I know, it is safer than posting on FaceBook where I would be subject to critics. 

Sometimes in life I just want support. Unending support. Uncritical support. Just love and compassion without being told what I should do or how my feelings are wrong. 

Friendship.

Kindness.

There are several areas in my life where I need this, but the one bubbling up to the top and nearly paralyzing me into inaction is the diabetes diagnosis I received five years ago.

It still hurts.

Over the years I have gone to several different doctors, and several different types of doctors.

The endocrinologist told me I'm fine, keep doing what I'm doing. And how do I think she should redecorate her office?

Great advice, even though I could see my A1C was fine with diet, but other numbers seemed out of line and should be addressed. Plus, the only way I could keep my A1C that low was by eating very few grains and sugars and I'm tired of that life. Plus, she was expensive because my insurance plan does not cover specialists.

The next doctor, my regular general practitioner, also said my numbers were good, but at least she didn't charge me an arm and a leg.

Last fall I decided to see a holistic doctor who swore she could cure my diabetes with a bunch of supplements. She is not covered by insurance, but who wouldn't want to hear about a cure? Several months later, and many supplements later, I suggested a blood test she said it was too soon. Instead she suggested a patch that checks your blood sugar throughout the day. The end result was for that two week period my A1C was higher than when I started the supplements (now sometimes were skipped because of how the patch worked, and I was trying new foods because I was getting immediate readings).

My sister insists I should test frequently because it is not a "test," but a data point. I understand what she is saying. It took me a while to realize why I don't agree with that plan. 

It is because with the data point, there is nothing I can do. I am helpless if it is high. It is never low, so eating a cookie won't help. Instead I have to wait for it to come down, all the while stressing about the data.

Should have mentioned sooner stress is my biggest trigger.

My highest number during the two week patch time was walking past a pizzeria lamenting that I can't have pizza because a) it is too high in carbs; and b) it has gluten and just before starting the two week time I was told to avoid gluten obsessively because I have a gluten intolerance that shows up in blood work, but does not hurt my stomach the way most people do -- therefore I don't even know if I've eaten anything with gluten. Meanwhile, I should also avoid corn and peanuts.

So my goal of going to the holistic doctor backfired in spades. It was very expensive PLUS more foods were eliminated instead of added to my diet. Huge hunks of food like gluten, peanuts, and corn. 

The kicker, though, was when she told me she thought I had a genetic form of diabetes, such as MODY, and she was looking into that. 

If I didn't clearly remember telling her I thought I had MODY back in October when we first met, and now it was January, and thousands of dollars had passed hands, I might have had some feeling that this would work out.

Next up, Don and my mom suggested I leave the holistic practice and see an expert endocrinologist at U Penn. U Penn has experts. They did not match me up with one who is an expert in genetic diabetes despite my telling them in the introductory letter that's what I think I have. 

It also took several MONTHS to get an appointment. It took several WEEKS to get them to schedule an appointment because they needed to match me with the exact right doctor.

I finally saw their doctor via telemedicine in early May. 

She declared it could not be genetic because I was too old when diagnosed. It was just normal diabetes, even though we could not identify any reason why I would have it. There is a strong genetic component. She wrote a script for blood work to take place over the summer to see if that was it. Meanwhile take four Metformin pills a day because that is the gold standard for diabetes treatment. Take one a day for a week. Two a day for a week. Three a day for a week. Four a day for week. 

I argued that seemed like too much since my mom only takes three a day and my A1C isn't that far off.

No, no, no do it our way.

Day three of taking Metformin I woke up with massive vertigo. Could not walk from the bed to the bathroom.

I sent the U Penn doctor an email. Two days later the response was I should test myself. Um.. okay. I did that hours later and it was a little high, but not hospital high. Now what? Crickets.

Meanwhile Don found a new doctor to try. She is a holistically trained endocrinologist in Princeton.

What a concept! I wish the holistic doctor in Lawrenceville suggested this practice in January. Then I'd be on a path

She looked at the same information I sent to U Penn and said it is clearly a genetic form of diabetes. She looked at the test results from the holistic doctor and ordered a few more -- few being four vials. She was actually building on what I have already done.

Now I wait. Now I feel I have someone who cares. She signs her messages with her nickname, instead of doctor. She answers my messages and concerns. I feel as if she is on my team.

I'll see her soon. I'm still scared about the results and what it will mean for my life. I don't want diabetes to control my life. I don't want to have to constantly figure out what I can eat, and alter my life around it. Especially as my biggest trigger is stress and this really stresses me.

Thank you for letting me write. If you made it this far, send me a prayer for peace as I take this next step. I know I finally have a doctor on my side.

Bottling Up

Based on how I feel, and how little I've been posting to this blog, I'm bottling it all up again. As I sift through pictures be prepared from some touchy-feely posts about Ashley turning 18, about graduation, about the world reopening, about the dragon pooping, about the kitten continuing to wreak havoc in my office, about anything that floats out of my head unfiltered.

Okay, maybe not about dragon poop, though she looks much better. 

Maybe a post about the pets getting along -- or not.

Meanwhile the weather is nice, so I think I'll go for a walk.

School is Out

On Monday, May 4, 2020 Governor Phil Murphy made the announcement. New Jersey schools would be closed for the rest of the year, with no possibility of reopening by June 30. 

That's it. 

No chance to gather together as a class. No more hanging out together before class. No more hanging out in the art room, or the science room -- Ashley's two passions. 

No chance to dismantle the "Beauty and the Beast" set. Or have senior speeches. Or have the senior fashion show (I was so proud of her for even signing up!). No Mr./Ms. Notre Dame contest during spirit week. No chance to gather to sign the yearbook. At this rate, no yearbooks because the printer is closed.

No last parent-teacher conference so I could say good-bye in private.

Milestones robbed from all of us. 


I'm sniffly as I think I didn't realize the last time she wore the Notre Dame uniform would be the last time. 

Ashley is sniffly about so many other times that she did not realize would be the last time -- the last time she walked the halls as a student, the last time time she just hung out in a favorite teacher's room, the last time she rushed to rehearsal after school, the last time she painted a set.

No updates from administration about graduation or prom. No loving message in over a week. Feeling abandoned by school leadership. I know they are overwhelmed, but we are mourning.
 
At this point I'm beyond hurt moving towards her next adventures. It stinks the non-fun part of senior year stays (AP exams, classes, and homework), but all the fun rituals disappear.

I can only hope and pray theaters reopen and Ashley can pursue of dream of becoming a set designer. Or that she discovers a new passion soon.

1st day of Kindergarten

8th grade graduation

Public Art

I've said it before and I will say it again ... some people are using quarantine time more wisely than others. While I want to cocoon, or even binge watch "The Crown" others are creating art for people to enjoy.

Every afternoon at 4 there is a 15-20 minute carillon concert. Tonight's selections included "The Hills are Alive With the Sound of Music," "La Vie en Rose," and two Catholic hymns (in honor of May being Mary's month). I heard there is a website where you can place requests, but that might only be open to the Lawrenceville School community.









 
Sidewalk chalk art is on the rise. As are other kinds of arts and crafts. Here are some examples over the past few weeks as seen in our local park.

 

I do appreciate others trying to brighten our lives. Yet I'm jealous I am not that kind of person. I write for myself, and if others read it that's okay, but I don't write with others in mind. My ever changing feelings are my own, and are never open to debate.

Stay healthy.
Stay safe.
Stay sane.