Back in November I made a heated Facebook post where I asked everyone who voted for T to unfriend me now before I unfriended them. I'm willing to discuss the validity of favorite ice cream flavors and pizza toppings, but not whether or not T is the right choice for POTUS.
At least one FB friend took it to heart and not only unfriended me, but shared my post with another friend. If the friend reads this (which I doubt), she'll recognize herself in this post, but I'm still not naming any names.
I reached out to her a few times over the past ten months and heard crickets. It was at the point I thought she was casting judgment on Ashley and Anna's relationship.
I'm grateful she finally had the courage to reach out to me. She shared a screenshot of the post I made (she saved the post?) and said she voted for Trump. (Paraphrasing here) she remembers our friendship fondly, but recognizes I don't want to be friends with her over her political views.
I'll admit, that hit hard. It was like a knife in my gut. I realized she has been in pain over my FB post (I often say words matter). I can't take away that pain. I tried to explain I value her friendship, but not on FB.
Coincidently, last night was the sixth anniversary of political historian Heather Cox Richardson's Letters from an American. She wrote (emphasis mine):
I write these letters because I love America. I am staunchly committed to the principle of human self-determination for people of all races, genders, abilities, and ethnicities: the idea that we all have the right to work to become whatever we wish. I believe that American democracy has the potential to be the form of government that comes closest to bringing that principle to reality. And I know that achieving that equality depends on a government shaped by fact-based debate rather than by extremist ideology and false narratives.
As I read her essay this morning, I wondered Why are these values even up for debate? My asking his supporters to unfriend it was because I knew I needed a safe place express my feelings and to lean on others. I applaud people who can have open debate with his supporters, but after a decade of his nonsense, I don’t have it in me.
I know now this post cost me at least one longtime friendship. I'd like to say, I'm sorry, but (you knew there would be a but) as I reflect on that friendship (and others like it), I wonder how true they were. I remember times I disagreed with their stances, their views on issues such as abortion, but kept quiet for the sake of friendship. I didn’t tell them about how I found their views against my beliefs to keep the peace. I told myself they were coming from a place of love and I should respect that. I nodded or made a grunt that could be taken as assent and walked away.
Questions I regret not asking:
1) Who showed you the post? This person was not on FB, or if she happened to be that day it was rare.
2) Why didn't you ask me about it at the time?
3) Why did you ignore the other times I reached out in friendship?
4) Why do I matter so little to you?
5) Why does it hurt me so much?
6) Why did you vote for him?
7) If the election were held today with what you know, would you still vote for him?
But (there is that word again), I don't have it in me to start a conversation and defend my stance that all people are created equal.
Look at where we are now as a nation.
We've slowly been put into two camps: us vs. them. The rich vs. poor. Blacks vs. whites. Blacks vs. police. Immigrants vs. people who have lived here for generations. Trans people vs. men/women. Gun owners vs. non-gun owners. Right vs. wrong.
The list goes on. It is exhausting.
Now we are at the point where if you do not agree 100% with someone, you are labeled as other. As someone not worthy of spending time with. As stupid, or an idiot. Or not as good as yourself. And that is with people you agree with the vast majority of the time. For those who are so far on the opposite side it feels impossible to find even 5% to agree on it is impossible to even start the debate.
I am open for true debate as long as we start from the point that ALL people are created equal. Without that I’m not going to debate why some people are more valuable than others because that is a slippery slope to why you and I are not valuable.
I am not unfriending people or staying away from people over politics, but I am over values. If you do not value all people and feel some deserve to be rounded up in ICE raids or killed because they are homeless or because they belong to the other party or kicked out of sports because they are trans or valued less because they came here from another country (legally or illegally) then there is no room for a debate.
If you want to debate how we can create a path to citizenship, or how to provide free lunches to all students, or how to help the homeless, or support the LGBT community, or universal healthcare, or the pros and cons of a national service requirement, or other ways to make life better for all, let's go.
If you want to tell me that some group is less worthy than you are, the discussion is closed.
I don't care about your background, your socio economic status, religion, color, national identity, but if you don't agree all people are created equal I don't respect you. If I can't respect you, it makes it hard to be friends.
I'm sad to lose this friend. She was one of the few people left in my life who met me before I met Don. She has dropped my friendship in the past, but this feels permanent.
I mourn all friendships lost due to differences in values, as well as death. But I'm not going to quietly agree with things that go against my values just to keep peace between us. That's not true friendship.
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